why am i here ?

warning - this is a long and sometimes confusing read.
you may either leave now - or you'd better get yourself a cuppa and settle in!
there are no room makeover photos here!!!!!

i have questioned myself as to why i have started to blog here at house-o-nefotlak.
i  know that some of my in-real-life friends and family would question the why of this on-line place - and perhaps be even critical of the choices i make (ie to blog or not to blog).

(i have an incredible fear of being judged for what i do and who i am - it's ingrained - i know i shouldn't - it's stupid - but that's who i am.........i was adopted soon after i was born and have had an interesting life - lots of great things - some not so great. perhaps i'll share more on those topics one day - {i started blogging in 2006 when my search for my birth family really started to take shape} - but let's just say that the happenings of my life have profoundly effected who i am and why i question who i am and what i do.........)

in general i believe i am a great ideas person - but get very bored & lazy with the actual 'doing' (perhaps i really need me a lacky/helper to do the things i dream up!).

right now - with being back at uni - my creative/thinking brain has been switched back on after a few dormant years (you know - when you just do what you think you have to do - to pay the bills - to get by - to deal with the everyday that life throws at you).
right now my head is literally buzzing with ideas.
buzzing so much that i find it hard to get to sleep - buzzing so much that i'm jumping from one project to the next. (containing myself to one room makeover at a time has helped!!)

looking back - i have always been a very 'creative' person.
i can play the piano - once played the flute - can sew and can make art.
often though - i don't.
i was encouraged to play piano - my adoptive mother was incredibly talented - but lessons and practice soon became a chore. i got in trouble for playing the same note wrong too many times - i was made to play for exams - not for enjoyment. so i walked away. (i got half way through 7th grade ameb - so i can truly play - but the joy was taken away - i wasn't playing for me)
as for art - it was never encouraged much - as my adoptive family weren't really arty/crafty.
i did do art for my hsc - mostly print and fine line drawing for my major work - and i had an amazing and encouraging school art teacher - but i didn't grow up around lots of creating - i didn't know if that should be what i should do - i didn't get the encouragement i really needed. (i've since found a sister that is an incredibly talented painter)
as for sewing and decorating - that's all been something i've learned on my own. through books - through magazines - through friends - through blogs - through trial and error.(actually it was my dear patient mr w. that bought me my first sewing machine soon after we got married!)

i'm coming to realise that creating is me. it's my air to breath - it's my rays of sunshine - its just me.

i am currently on uni holidays - therefore have had a lot of time and head space to craft and make and paint etc - far more time than most people would ever dream of.
plus my kids are at an age (finally) where i have more time for me (finally) - and they also get to 'create' with me - which is really great.
honestly - the house is an absolute mess (seriously - it's a bomb site) as i try to get as much of goob's room done as possible before semester 2 starts back on monday - eeeeeekkkk!
i think it's impossible to create and make and keep a house looking nice and clean. (perhaps that's just me - i'm just saying!!)

i need to finish this degree (primary teaching).
i already have a hecs bill (university fees bill) - and no final piece of paper (degree) to show for it.
i was never encouraged to 'do' university when i finished school - in fact i had a step father that led me in the opposite direction for his own monetary gain (very long story - i won't even touch that one here). i 'got in' to university - but ended up working instead.
it was a dream to get into uni  - and i'm now doing extremely well. (although i really really hate the boredom of essay writing - when i know in my heart that i'm far ahead of the 18-20 year olds that are straight out of school studying - but you have to do it in order to get the degree - right?!)
i do love teaching - but ultimately i would love love love to teach art or textiles/design - or dare i say it - be an actual artist of some description!!!! (funny - i don't think i would have the courage to ever actually call myself an 'artist' at the end of the day!)
in any case - i've not taken the route (specifically studying 'art' at university) that would lend to me being hired in that particular field.

this is all why i mentioned in this post
i have only found out in the last couple of years that my family of origin were all very good at any sport they tried.
my adoptive family weren't into sport.
i showed flair at many sports - but that part of me wasn't fostered and encouraged.

my kids are extremely good at sport. goob has been selected to represent her school in netball, volleyball, afl football, indoor cricket and hockey this last 6 months alone!!!!!
i see a self-confidence in my girls that i never ever had. they inherently know that they are good at art/design and sport - because they are genetically part of me and mr w. and part of our families.
(i won't get into an argument about the nature/nurture concept here - both are important - but finally meeting those that i am genetically linked to after 35+ years has allowed me to truly see how much that knowledge of my genetics is a real part of me)

i think - i hope - that our parenting has also helped to instill that self confidence in our kids. however, having those attributes mirrored from us to them has been particularly helpful in their journey thus far.
i encourage now - and will continue to encourage in the future - that my girls attempt to fly high in whatever they choose to take on.
that's the most important thing i think i'll ever do at the end of the day.

so - what was i saying........talk about getting off track.........

this blog helps me to do the things that i love.
this blog helps my creativity and encourages me to complete the projects once i've started.
(until recently i've been a serial non-finisher of projects - see here for goob's room prior to this current makeover for the unfinished border that never went up between the two shades of blue on her wall!).
this blog makes me take photos and document what goes on in my life - and in doing so makes me appreciate it all so much more.
this blog helps me to connect with incredibly talented peoples from all over the world. (i'm looking at you all!)
if my sharing of these projects helps anyone out there - i am so thrilled - as i have found so so so much inspiration through blogs that have helped me in my journey.
i so love feedback (comments & emails) from those that have visited this little space and/or have liked what i've done.
every single message makes me smile.

ultimately though, i think i'm doing this for me. (selfish much?!?!?! lol!!)
i don't know - perhaps i'm doing it for even more reasons. (indecisive much?!?!)

i am here because i want to be here - because i know it's the right place to be - because i get to have contact with incredibly talented peoples - because it helps me to think and create and to just be.........

so that's why i'm here!

thanks for listening.
cheryl xox.